You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
