i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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