I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
