why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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