Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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