ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
