My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
