Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
