don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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