vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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