I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
