the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Did I show you my penis last night?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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