i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
