Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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