Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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