My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
