Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
