How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
