The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Pooping to opera.
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