Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
