I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
