omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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