pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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