I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
