I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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