I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I didn't notice because vodka
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
