Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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