Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
