Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
