i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
