I accidentally had phone sex last night
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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