Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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