Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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