FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
