I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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