shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
