Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
