life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
