I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
