I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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