He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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