4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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