Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
