Your face is a jimmy john
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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