I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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