i just snorted my name. best moment ever
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
