Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
