i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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