You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
