her vagine was all disorganized.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
