Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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